tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78560042011-04-22T02:35:20.942ZThis is NOT the official weblog of Mark Thomas; this is a place to post his articles and news to bring them to a wider audience. This blog is in no way endorsed by the activist/comedian Mark Thomas. Most of the posts appeared on www.NewStatesman.com - hopefully they won't object to them being republished here.Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.comBlogger571100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1155026672735300932006-08-08T08:43:00.000Z2007-01-13T03:45:19.670Z

It is not every day of your life that you hear the phrase, “When Nicholas Parsons comes out, Nottingham will be waiting for you.” And, once heard, it is a difficult phrase to forget. How could anyone forget anything involving the prospect of Nicholas Parsons coming out? Let me explain.Having written a book about the arms trade, it seemed only natural that I should want people to read it, so, at

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1149200282446777502006-06-01T22:17:00.000Z2006-06-01T22:18:02.463Z

In over 21 years of performing I have done some weird gigs. I have been threatened at Glastonbury by a bloke on acid; I’ve dressed in green Speedo trunks and jumped on stage wielding a butter knife. I’ve had a Tory councillor resign after a gig at a council-sponsored show. I have performed at everywhere from Jewish stag parties to striking miners’ soup kitchens. I have shared dressing rooms with

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1147337083584406972006-05-11T08:43:00.000Z2006-05-11T08:44:43.596Z

A friend of mine named his toilet “the Hezza”, after Michael Heseltine, back in the darker days of the Thatcher years. I don’t know if it is a common habit for people to rename household items after politicians, but for some years now I have called our bidet “Prescott”, because I don’t know what that’s for either. His sex life is unimportant – politicians can shag manhole covers, for all I care,

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1146141889068362342006-05-01T21:00:00.000Z2006-04-27T16:13:46.370Z

It seems like only yesterday that Tony Blair was invading Iraq and lecturing us about how sometimes in government you have to do what is right rather than what is popular. This week it seems it is important to do what is popular. (If only he could manage to be both right and popular and get lost... ) But if “popular concerns” were the guiding force behind political action, MPs would have slashed

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1146154560883273862006-04-24T16:13:00.000Z2006-04-27T16:16:00.886Z

For some in Britain, slagging off the European Union (something I am about to do for the next 900 words) is an instinctive act of patriotic faith, akin to not knowing the second verse of the National Anthem. For many of us, the EU remains a quasi-democratic institution in search of an electorate. Quite tellingly, we tend to see the EU not so much as a vehicle for change as a means of registering

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1143814856361799672006-03-31T14:19:00.000Z2006-03-31T14:20:56.376Z

A few months ago I watched a 16-year-old schoolgirl, Ellie, from Oxford, phone a tank manufacturer in Romania. Ellie was part of a group of British students who formed their own arms company and ran it once a week at lunchtime.“I want to chat to someone about a tank,” she said. “What kind of tank?” asked an uncertain eastern European voice.“A TR-85 M1.”“You want a price?”“Yes, that would be great

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1142441747399185112006-03-15T16:54:00.000Z2006-03-15T16:55:47.413Z

Tonight With Trevor McDonald is not something that some folk admit to watching. Mainly people don't admit to watching it because it is rubbish. And in any case, they don't watch it. Tonight With . . . is less a current-affairs flagship and more of a Herald of Free Enterprise ferry - big, brash and lying on its side in the harbour.However, I was moved to watch the "Has Coke lost its fizz?"

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1140998047840012142006-02-26T23:51:00.000Z2006-02-26T23:54:53.796Z

Being a card-carrying confused liberal, ie, someone who is resolute in their lack of certainty, I was dismayed - as I'm sure you can imagine - when I sliced open an aubergine to find the seeds forming a picture of the Prophet Muhammad holding an AK-47. What was I to do? Should I send the aubergine to Denmark for publication and risk another half-dozen embassy fires, or send it to Koranic scholars

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1138378774017518622006-01-27T16:17:00.000Z2006-01-27T16:19:34.036Z

Charles Kennedy is a recovering alcoholic. Mark Oaten has a predilection for rent-boy rough action. It has taken some time, but finally the Lib Dems are starting to behave like a proper political party. All we need is for Menzies Campbell to have a string of undeclared directorships and for Simon Hughes to have left his council tax unpaid for the past ten years, and the Lib Dems will have truly

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1134824177919024922005-12-17T12:55:00.000Z2005-12-17T12:58:10.116Z

A few years ago I received a campaign e-mail from some students which, without any evident sense of irony, was entitled F**K CENSORSHIP. I replied under the new title FUCK C*NS**SH*P, only to be informed that while the sentiments were appreciated, the organisers didn’t want to upset anyone and were sticking to F**K. My further response, which elicited no reply, was entitled YOU SILLY C**

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1131540551006857592005-11-07T12:47:00.000Z2005-11-09T12:49:11.016Z

A long time from now, after George Bush has left office, after the massed ranks of American forces have withdrawn from Iraq, way into the future, perhaps at a time when the US is not the most indebted nation on the planet, an enduring image of American power will remain in the minds of people all over the world. And that image will be an orange jumpsuit. No single image can conjure up America's

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1130102231374506202005-10-23T21:15:00.000Z2005-10-23T21:17:11.383Z

A little while ago the American evangelist Pat Robertson, while talking about the Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, said it was time the United States took him out. Robertson would have to guide someone like me, an atheist, to the biblical reference that justifies the killing of a world leader to stabilise oil supply, but I am sure it is there amid the pillars of salt and jawbones of asses.

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1128692206374960342005-10-07T13:35:00.000Z2005-10-14T10:09:01.536Z

We expect politicians to say preposterous things: it's part of the pay-off for having them. They get into office, promptly ignore us and then berate us for not being interested in them. On the upside, we can always rely on them to utter something so ridiculous, it makes David Icke appear statesmanlike. Charles Clarke, for example, said he hoped to have abolished antisocial behaviour by 2010. For

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1128205578982283842005-09-26T22:24:00.000Z2005-10-01T22:26:18.986Z

The Defence Systems and Equipment International (DSEi) arms fair in London this month was an interesting time for me. A mugshot of me from the CO11 Public Order Intelligence Unit is part of a "spotter card", designed to help police identify troublesome protesters at the biennial arms-fest before they can commit any nefarious acts.Each spotter card has pictures of 24 individuals, lettered A to X.

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1126350032518363692005-09-10T10:56:00.000Z2005-09-10T11:00:32.910Z

Mark Thomas's original plans for this column were to present a constructive yet critical analysis of new Labour's promise to introduce a law of corporate killing, which is to replace the old corporate manslaughter law, making it easier to prosecute companies and individuals for health and safety failures that result in death. New Labour pledged to introduce this law back in October 1997. This

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1122989094575107712005-08-01T13:23:00.000Z2005-08-17T12:52:56.113Z

Officially, Britain doesn't negotiate with terrorists, and in the case of the Islamic militants following in the footsteps of Osama Bin Laden it is unlikely we will see them clutching leather-bound zip folders and strolling into Acas. At the risk of stating the obvious, suicide bombers rarely have a compromise position. Even if they did, no sane person would sit in a room with them, especially if

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1122989309060347232005-07-18T13:27:00.000Z2005-08-02T13:28:29.070Z

It is time for Bob Geldof to fuck off. Yes, he did organise Live 8. Yes, this has helped raise global awareness of the impoverishment of Africa. Job done. Thumbs up. Fuck off. He said he wouldn’t mind going to the House of Lords, so send him; shove him next to Birt and Thatcher, where his brown-nosing of new Labour will be lost in the sea of vicious ermine. I don’t care how he goes: put him in

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1122989467139431152005-07-04T13:29:00.000Z2005-08-02T13:33:54.463Z

I recently discovered that my Make Poverty History wristband is an ideal size for keeping the greaseproof paper on jars of home-made jam. Guests to our house can now choose from an array of politically conscious preserves. We have jams opposed to bullying, anti-racist jams, choose-life jams and a quirky anarchist conserve to Make Property History. All I need now is the Qaeda jihadist wristband

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1119011072917159482005-06-17T12:22:00.000Z2005-06-29T10:30:31.540Z

America is in debt. It probably owes millions merely from the bank letters that charge £20 to tell people they are in debt. America owes so much that I expect to see George and Laura Bush on TV advertisements sitting on a battered sofa, dressed in football shirts, saying: "We found it really easy to consolidate our debts into one loan with manageable repayments." However, it was the developing

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1117812603500188042005-06-03T15:26:00.000Z2005-06-17T12:29:57.146Z

Just out of curiosity, I decided to see if Nostradamus mentions Paul Wolfowitz becoming president of the World Bank. A leading architect of the Iraq war put in charge of the west's leading mechanism for alleviating global poverty surely merits a mention on the path to Armageddon.Sadly, he doesn't, though there is a passing reference to David Icke, a frog ringtone and the mark of the beast that

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1116618367227563342005-05-20T19:45:00.000Z2005-05-31T13:11:48.273Z

The war on drugs was a difficult war to fight, as essentially it was a war on plants. Notoriously hard to suppress and tricky to negotiate with, the plants have won. Fortunately, they have been unable to articulate their victory, saving numerous governments from embarrassment. Now we have the "war on terror". Again, difficult to fight conventionally, as "terror" is a concept, an emotion and a

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1116110801364847802005-05-02T22:43:00.000Z2005-05-14T22:46:41.373Z

"Are you thinking what we're thinking?" Well, if you are thinking: "I'd rather get cancer than vote for Michael Howard," then the answer is: "Yes I am!" If, on the other hand, you are thinking: "Committed and casual racists vote Tory!" then the answer is: "No." Never has an election campaign been so offensive and yet so dull. Remember that someone actually got paid to come up with "Forward not

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1111660256168501192005-03-28T10:29:00.000Z2005-04-06T08:54:05.416Z

The more eagle-eyed among you will have noted that the sale of stun batons from the UK was banned in 1997. You get full marks for legislative awareness if you knew that brokering - that is, acting as a middleman and arranging deals for goods that don't touch UK soil - became illegal without a licence on 1 May last year. Previously, if a UK broker moved guns directly from Thailand to Sudan, say,

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1111660684820238432005-03-14T10:36:00.000Z2005-03-24T10:38:04.826Z

As responsible citizens, we have to choose between public rights and public protection, which is why I propose that anyone who looks like Hazel Blears, the Home Office minister, should be stopped and searched by the police. Some innocent people may be caught in the net but we can't risk her launching further attacks upon our liberties. I also believe we should forcibly attempt to remove the wasp

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1109334174063784752005-02-25T12:22:00.000Z2005-03-24T10:28:01.126Z

I feel the need to explain myself to you, my dear readers, you curious onlookers at this journalistic car crash that I call a column. Yet again "Baby Blunkett", Charles Clarke, features in this week's light-hearted romp through our postmodern, liberty-lite, corporately sponsored Labour landscape. Though I will admit to being mildly fascinated by some aspects of Clarke, in particular how his face

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1108730848450095052005-02-12T12:46:00.000Z2005-02-18T12:47:28.456Z

The best thing that could happen to resolve Britain's immigration issues would be for all immigrants to leave Britain. They should not tell anyone of their plans. But late at night, while white Britain is tucked up safely in bed, they should sneak out quietly. Find a good vantage point. Sit back. And watch Britain grind to a halt.Watch as the health service collapses, building sites stagnate,

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1107012130768058462005-02-03T13:20:00.000Z2005-02-03T14:13:44.946Z

Discussion document for the shadow cabinet. Subject: delivering quota policies for asylum-seekers Tory policy is to limit the number of people coming to the UK as asylum-seekers, and this requires that any future Conservative government fix a quota for each year. Outlined here are a number of options on how to make that objective achievable. Some of these measures may be illegal; however,

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1106051023755289422005-01-14T13:21:00.000Z2005-01-18T12:24:36.263Z

Before starting this column, readers should be warned that it contains explicit language throughout. In fact, this 820-word column features the word "fuck" 46,000 times - according to calculations done by evangelical Christians. The editor would like to issue a second warning to really stupid Christians. Evangelical Christians especially, please be aware that the following column features the

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1104277488125942802004-12-28T23:43:00.000Z2004-12-28T23:45:50.623Z

Bribery is a habit that many major British arms companies indulge in, but few are prepared to talk about in public - a bit like middle-aged married men masturbating while their wives are out. If you are caught doing the latter, though, I would recommend that you don't use the excuse: "Well, if I didn't do it, someone else would." Not unless you want to end up on the window ledge of Buckingham

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1102677065889776342004-12-06T11:09:00.000Z2004-12-10T11:11:05.890Z

Several papers noted a report in the Police Review (5 November) of a couple who seem to have an exemplary relationship of trust and excitement. A former police officer and director of a company called Pro-Tect Systems (specialists in Tasers, or stun guns), Peter Boatman, addressed a conference on health and safety earlier this year. He was reported as saying to the gathering that he was sure

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1100789493728150072004-11-18T14:50:00.000Z2004-11-25T10:45:09.003Z

You could be forgiven for believing that the human race is doomed. The list of omens seems endless: Bush is re-elected; John Peel is dead; Ariel Sharon asks whether any other leader had so much blood on his hands as Yasser Arafat. Yet for some reason we insist on believing that it is only the US which has no sense of irony. A gunfight breaks out at Arafat's wake - which I can't help but think is

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1100789601378940602004-11-18T14:45:00.000Z2004-11-25T10:39:50.736Z

It has been illegal for business folk to bribe people in the UK for centuries, but it only became illegal for UK businesses to bribe foreign government officials in 2002. Given that fact, Patricia Hewitt at the DTI should have been champing at the bit to introduce effective anti-bribery practices at the Export Credits Guarantee Department. After all, the ECGD uses public money to underwrite arms

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1100789726334228852004-11-08T14:54:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:00:18.686Z

I have an urgent announcement to make to the many people who, over the years, have said to me: "I don't agree with a word of what you have said, but I will fight to the death for your right to say it." I have decided to take you up on the offer. I want to go to George W Bush's inauguration ceremony with an 18-wheel flat-bed rig and 20kW PA system and continuously broadcast: "Compulsory abortions

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1100789802535469802004-10-25T14:55:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:00:52.366Z

Whether it was out of a sense of revenge, prejudice or light relief, I do not know. What I do know, though, is that my cries of joy could be heard several miles away when I found out that Mark Thatcher had been arrested. On hearing of his alleged role in an attempted coup in Equatorial Guinea, I laughed so long and hard that I nearly had an Asbo served on me. If there is any justice in this world

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1097227757242239862004-10-08T09:24:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:01:35.566Z

Open letter to Bill Rammell, parliamentary under-secretary of state for foreign and commonwealth affairs (responsible for human rights) Dear Bill, Choosing to be a politician is an odd career path: so much power, so much state prestige, so much responsibility, and yet you couldn't really call it a proper job. Few children see the chamber of the House of Commons on TV and say, "When I grow up I

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1096989246823831072004-10-05T15:13:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:58:40.653Z

After much reading and thought on the matter, and having examined the merits of all sides of the argument, I am inclined to support the banning of hunting foxes with hounds, primarily because I can think of no other action that could spur the railing hoorays and their trusty retainers to such vein-bursting apoplexy as we witnessed in Parliament Square. This is not only morally right but hugely

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1092387865796556662004-08-13T09:02:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:58:09.500Z

Earlier this week Mark Thomas was abducted by a group of extremist English teachers, the Syntax Liberation Front. In place of his column, the editor has decided to publish a letter, intended for Michael Howard, leader of the Conservative Party. This was misdirected to the New Statesman office. Dear Mr Howard, I write to you from a nursing home in Kent where I am recovering from a stroke,

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091624661105327142004-08-02T21:00:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:57:30.886Z

Government warnings about possible terrorist attacks are becoming increasingly difficult to take seriously. They are delivered with the gravitas and certainty of an ancient oracle in an old Monty Python sketch, booming: "An attack could be imminent!" "Where?" replies the cowering populace. "Nobody knows," booms the oracle. "When?" ask the people, cowering slightly less. "Soon... soonish... It's

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091626053677752012004-07-19T13:27:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:56:48.143Z

Whether I acted out of devilment, curiosity or perversity, I am not entirely sure, but the other day I became a priest. Some websites charge for the privilege of being ordained, but others do it for free. They even provide certificates. I am now legally entitled to minister in the US and can perform funerals, marriages and baptisms, though not, as my certificate points out, circumcision. Which is

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091626114936859072004-07-05T13:27:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:56:08.206Z

Greetings from Colombia, dear reader. You find me on an international solidarity delegation (called "The Caravan") to this fine and bloody country, blissfully unaware of any news from home. David Blunkett could have been caught cottaging but I neither know nor care at this moment in time. The only television I have seen is the England results. Consequently, the only Spanish phrases I have

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091626235385200602004-06-21T13:28:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:55:07.696Z

For lovers of traditional joke forms, I would like to start this column with a traditional gag. "What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher?" Answer: "A couple of weeks, if we're lucky." Margaret Thatcher has always seen herself as an uber-patriot, and so I feel, after we lost our match against France in the Euro 2004 championships, that the least she could do for England

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091626299455929482004-06-07T13:31:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:54:00.083Z

David Blunkett is a kind, gentle, soft, petal-stroking, happy cuddly bear of a man... Admittedly these are all lies, but I reckon this is the description most likely to annoy him - and it does seem pointless writing about him if I can't attempt to piss him off. It has been suggested that all Home Secretaries become more draconian than their predecessor. If that is the case, then it is fair to

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091625943592907232004-05-24T13:25:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:52:14.120Z

On the 11 and 12 of May at the Regents Park Marriott Hotel in Swiss Cottage, London, representatives of some big corporations were gathered for a two-day conference entitled "What's the point of Corporate Responsibility?" The delegates and speakers included people from BP, Shell, Gap, Timberland, Marks & Spencer, Coca-Cola and McDonald's. They discussed such weighty topics as "How smart companies

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101386055317055042004-05-10T13:33:00.000Z2004-11-25T12:34:15.316Z

The far right in Britain, in its present guise as the British National Party, likes to promote the idea of "racial purity". Yet, if you ever meet party members, the words "racial purity" are not what come to mind. What comes to mind is the word "inbreeding". The BNP candidates look as if there isn't one of them who couldn't do with a decent dollop of Kosovar asylum-seeker's blood just to widen

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091622852330706892004-04-26T13:33:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:37:26.610Z

The police are jittery. At RAF Fairford last year, a friend had his toothbrush confiscated by policemen who thought it could be used to commit criminal damage. The officer asked: "What do you intend to do with this?" The reply - "Fight truth decay?" - almost got him arrested. In another incident, a protester was forced to remove a T-shirt with the words "Fuck Bush" on it because the garment

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101385986929258632004-04-12T13:32:00.000Z2004-11-25T12:33:06.930Z

The chairman of the Electoral Commission, Sam Younger, is worried that turnout could fall to less than 50 per cent at the next general election. This would give anarchists the all-important statistic to proclaim victory. The state will immediately collapse, as anarchos proudly declare: "We have a mandate not to govern the country!" Crowds waving black flags will spill on to the streets for a

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091626432075628232004-03-27T13:33:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:35:52.380Z

Coca-Cola is rapidly becoming synonymous with the kind of inept rip-offs that Rodney and Del Trotter could only dream of. Flogging tap water in a bottle (it's called "Dasani") is an act of cynical and surreal genius. It is matched only by their CEO, Douglas Daft, and his vision that one day people will be able to turn on the tap marked C at the sink and fresh Coke will pour out of it. In Coke's

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1093451207781280492004-03-15T16:25:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:26:47.706Z

When it comes to creative writing you'd be hard pushed to find better exponents than the British police. Since the Birmingham Six and numerous other miscarriages of justice, where people were framed for crimes they didn't commit, it is sometimes difficult to know if a "confession" made to the police is testimony for the courts or a bid for the Booker prize. With this pool of talent it can only be

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091625496315332772004-03-01T13:17:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:33:11.303Z

The "Fairford Coach" high court judgment on 19 February found the police to be in breach of human rights law. The case, brought by Jane Laporte against the Gloucestershire Constabulary, dates back to 22 March 2003. Three coaches of peace protesters going to join a demonstration at RAF Fairford, from where US B-52s were launching strikes on Iraq, were stopped some six miles from the base. The

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091625254621661682004-02-09T13:13:00.000Z2004-11-25T12:32:06.036Z

It was a brief and charmless flirtation and now after two editions my career as a columnist for the new lads magazine Zoo Weekly has come to an end. In case you hadn't noticed there has been a bunch of weekly lads mags launched this year (I think the collective noun is "a spray"). They boast titles like Zoo, Nuts, Thrust, Spurt or Cock. They feature a high celebrity nipple count, football stuff,

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101381636082792302004-02-02T11:19:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:20:36.083Z

There is no justice in this world, if there was all advertisers would be forced to walk in public wearing sandwich boards with the text of their adverts written in large letters and the words "I am responsible for this" scrawled on their foreheads in marker pen. Advertisers are the pushers of the most pointless crap that invades our lives and the only creative thing they have ever done is steal

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101384405541890552004-01-19T13:06:00.000Z2004-11-25T12:07:34.050Z

God bless politicians who are new to their jobs. Richard Caborn might pass himself off as sports minister now, but he will always be remembered for his appearance on Radio 5 hours into his new job. Live on air, he faced an impromptu sports quiz and the only question he managed to get right was: "Do you wish you'd never come on the show?" Robin Cook, at the start of his time at the Foreign Office

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091625064848692192003-12-15T13:09:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:31:42.930Z

Quietly the 3rd December came and went but 19 years ago in Bhopal an explosion at the Union Carbide* plant spewed tonnes of methyl isocyanate. 8,000 people, many the poorest on this earth died in the first three days. The final death toll is 16,000-30,000. Thousands still suffer and still live in the contaminated shadow of Union Carbide. It is fashionable to compare catastrophic events to the

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1091624966444952802003-12-15T13:08:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:30:52.753Z

Knee problems aside Elizabeth Windsor doesn't really have to worry much about industrial accidents in her job. OK there is the possibility of Repetitive Strain Injury what with the constant waving and it certainly looks like protective goggles would be needed if dining in the immediate vicinity of Prince Philip. Other than that Mrs Windsor has nothing to moan about expect maybe the fact that one

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101381909287740142003-12-08T11:24:00.000Z2004-11-25T11:30:04.300Z

To those who flew burgers on a remote-controlled helicopter at David Blaine or fired golf balls at his glass case, I salute you! Earning millions by not eating while convincing people that it was a spiritual event is not magic. Surely a magician surprises and shocks an audience with skill. If Blaine had not eaten for 44 days and then pulled a rabbit out of his jacksy while shouting "TA DAA!",

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101384128393015432003-12-01T13:00:00.000Z2004-11-25T12:02:08.393Z

In Britain, we really don't like children very much. If we did, we wouldn't put up with quite so much Guardian G2/Allison Pearson-type whingeing about how "they adore children on the Continent; you can even take them into restaurants there". I am sure they let children into restaurants in Belgium. Unfortunately, Baby Tintin sharing a plate of mussels with Mummy and Daddy didn't prevent the

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856004.post-1101384608740205712003-11-17T13:08:00.000Z2004-11-25T12:10:08.740Z

To Hilary Benn Secretary of State for International Development Dear Hilary, Congratulations! US$250m of public money for a BP oil pipeline--well done! I must say that when I first learnt you were to head up the Department for International Development (DfID) I was so furious that I nearly wrote to my MP about it. I am sure you know that when I, as chief executive of a multinational so huge

Peter Gasstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13838157043479915215noreply@blogger.com0