Becoming Richard Littlejohn

Mark Thomas's original plans for this column were to present a constructive yet critical analysis of new Labour's promise to introduce a law of corporate killing, which is to replace the old corporate manslaughter law, making it easier to prosecute companies and individuals for health and safety failures that result in death. New Labour pledged to introduce this law back in October 1997. This pledge proved to be so popular that new Labour also promised it in its election manifestos in 2001 and 2005. Since new Labour promised a law of corporate killing, approximately 2,000 workers have died at work in the UK (this figure does not include members of the public). Thomas intended to compare the pace of this legislation to the speed with which the new anti-terror laws are being introduced.

Ironically, Thomas was working on a machine to teleport living creatures through space when an experiment went wrong. Genetic material from the ex-Sun columnist Richard Littlejohn, possibly skin oil, was accidentally left in one of the capsules. The result was a hideous fusion of the two men's DNA. Thomas went into hiding, ashamed of the creature he had become. But a few days ago he finally succumbed to his animal urges and e-mailed this column.

Well, all I can say is that when we do finally catch Osama Bin Laden, we can all thank God that al-Qaeda is a terrorist gang rather than a corporation. Were al-Qaeda found to be a registered company, what would the Crown Prosecution Service do? All they'd manage to charge Bin Laden with would be a couple of breaches in the health and safety regs. Would Osama get done for murder and crimes against humanity? Don't be daft. The most he would get done for is sending suicide bombers to work without proper goggles and a mask.

Two thousand people killed at work since October 1997! When are we going to hear the wake-up call? We've been lenient with these boardroom merchants of hate and their twisted ideology of privatisation for too long. We all know that companies go for bigger profits by sacking staff, undermining unions and cutting costs and corners, which is a murderous recipe for destruction and mayhem.

So why do we put up with those who spout this ideology of evil? These so-called "bosses" have an option: shut up or get out! We won't put up with these preachers of hate spewing their extremist message from the pulpits of the Confederation of British Industry and the Institute of Directors. We've had enough of their fat-cat fatwas. We've been tolerant of these ideologues of insanity for far too long and now it's time to kick 'em out.

I don't care if Charles Clarke needs to negotiate a non-torture policy or not. If we need to do it, do it! Sort it out! Sign it! And ship 'em out! Send them to Algeria, Jordan, Saudi or Afghanistan. Send 'em anywhere, but send out a clear message to the corporate murderer: you want to be a British citizen? Then stop killing them! It is not enough that these scum carry out their "industrial accidents" and attacks upon us, but then they gloat about it. We need a new law that makes "glorifying acts of privatisation" a criminal offence and we need it now. Shut down the Telegraph, with its perverted Thatcherite ideology posing as a religion. It is madness that we allow people to openly sell extremist literature by the mad mullah Milton Friedman and the Prophet Adam Smith. Let us say there is no room in a civilised society for such sick barbarism.

This in itself is not enough; we desperately need to clamp down on directors who visit "training" camps. Officially, these are called "management awareness courses" and so on. They claim to teach team building and efficient working practices, but, behind the raft building and paint-balling, what really goes on?

Nothing less than the indoctrination of young British managers. It is here that these young, impressionable managers are schooled in buy-out techniques, internal markets, hostile takeovers and creating flexible workforces: let's call a spade a spade and a corporate training course by its proper name - a management madrasa. The CBI and its apologist ilk say these are innocent "skill learning centres", which form a traditional part of their corporate culture. Well, bollocks to that, say I. It is time the politically correct brigade realised that multinational-culturalism is a failed experiment that was forced on the ordinary men and women of this country, who didn't want it in the first place.

To add insult to injury, what do we find? Only that these managers get taxpayers' money. Oh yes, there's nothing free about the free market that Peter Mandelson and the other Hampstead trade liberals bang on about. Look at the railways, up to the eyeballs in public subsidy. These bastards are on benefits! No wonder these extremist directors and non-executives love it in Britain. We're a soft touch!